GAY LOVE DIARIES ...

 FEAR -  FEAR of being embarrassed and to hear the phrase 

“ I told ya so “ from someone is the last thing I want to hear .. lol shit how about I don’t want to hear it at all  ,  being made aware of your shortcomings  in public or in private is not a rewarding feeling but  I don’t regret my mistakes  I see them as learning experience’s, and  trust!  that I have truly learned from every bad good or indifferent situation in my life . Ive taken every emotion of fear and ripped it from my psyche and remain optimistic  at the same time .   

GAY LOVE DIARIES 3

FRIDAY  FEB.24 2012 (earlymorning)

               Follow your heart , just be  yourself,  I love him a lot and know things aren’t  perfect but I  see something special in him I haven’t had in anyone else before  is that a sign to stay or leave ? I been in more trying situations with boyfriends before and it didn’t turn out too good but HE makes me feel like I can be a better person he shows me I need to grow up and start acting my age , maybe I am a bit immature , he could be right “ just be yourself and we will be fine” .  easier said that done , why is  it so hard in the GAY COMMMUNTIY for  men to be them selves around there  lover or mate or boyfriend is it a fear of rejection that clouds  your normal  ability to act as you are when they aren’t around ?.  Why do I try and play the tough guy role when I know that isn’t  who  am .  Im loving  caring forgiving  sweet and and affectionate and a goof ball , How  do I  remain the same without  being walked all over  and  mistreated  and were do   draw the line cause some bullshit I will just not TOLERATE! 

XOXOXO - BLACK GAY BOY LOST . 

GAY LOVE DIARIES 2

THURSDAY FEB.232012 (early morning)

 He called me back today after me not hearing from him for three days  after the recent turn of events (that shall  remain untold) . I wonder if MEN are capable of changing and  becoming  less  “ANGRY” . I mean everyone makes mistakes no one is perfect but if someone is wiling  to see past  your  imperfections and love you for  YOU  is it worth the small amount of turbulence  in the begging to lead to JOY and HAPPYNESS . 

GAY LOVE DIARIES ...

#GAYLOVE     

Why are men afraid of titles  ? what is the major issue? .. you want a good man  or do you want a side dude who is always going to be there waiting for u ?  so you don’t want a title but you  want me in  your life .. were “ Friends”  but   friends don’t have sex  friends don’t call each other  and text  like we do all day … hmmm .. so is this a  “ TEST” ..   ok so I  guess the test is to play lets pretend we are just friends  but secretly we are really in a relationship …  # Weird ! ….   Part of me likes the idea but another part of me is like why the bullshit and games ? am I not good enough ? …    well if  friends say I love  you  everynight  and  that friend is the  one u think about calling  first thing in the morning ..  then maybe        “ friends “ isn’t so bad …   Ive been so guarded and so used to operating a certain way my brain works  in BLACK OR WHITE  no GREY area  ..  it just cant be GREY its like   you  EITHER  take ME or leave it  good , bad , or in different .  I don’t ever want to be that dumb man who   thinks they have a potential  man waiting for them and in actuality  he  talking to many other men  instead of just being there for you so maybe I should explore my other options  and try and  not focus so much on the man I love ,  instead I will focus on the man I love the most which is me ..  I need him to know  that im not just waiting around for  him and  waiting on the pulse of my IPHONE  for his calls …  I need to find security in my own relationship and be confident that in myself and know that  I cant control what another man does ..  I just have to focus on myself and know that im doing the right thing and Im working on a better me and  hopefully a  UNION between  me and YOU ,  I wonder if he knows how much  I LOVE HIM and if he doesn’t know  why would he want to evan talk or be with me he must see some potential in me .

XOXO- BLACK GAY BOY LOST ..